On monday I was driving home in Jon's car and I took a wrong turn and was going a weird way. I got to a stop light like a mile from my house right under the BQE near the bk docks and the light turned green. People started going and I started to accelerate and for some reason I looked down briefly, probably to change the song or cause I dropped something, and when I looked up I collided into the car in front of me that had stopped for no apparent reason. I'm sure of this because there was about a cars length in between me and him so it's definitely like he started and stopped and I chose the worst moment to look down. He was from NJ so I'm guessing it was his first time at that light I guess? To be honest it's all hazy because smashing into a car, albeit like 8-12 mph, with the air bags going off and smoke filling the whole car was really traumatic. My ears blew out and I was choking on smoke and had to get out of my car in the middle of an intersection that connected like 6 streets and was near a freeway entrance. Luckily I was able to drive to the side of the road but I had to wait an hour for the cops to show up and shitty enough my bf came 2 minutes after they did so I couldn't even pretend that he was the one driving. I didn't want to lie either so I told them that I collided into the dude in front of me which probably was put down as admitting guilt in the police report IDK how it all works for fucks sake. And the cherry on top is that I am apparently uninsured.... haha fuck me for real. I vaguely remember my mom telling me this and I feel like I might've even told Jon. Jessie told me she saw a people's court case where a lady was uninsured and driving her boyfriends car and totalled it, and he was responsible for all the costs at the end of the day because he knew that she was uninsured. I don't think I would ever be able to morally do that and plus I don't think Jon is dumb enough to fall victim to that scheme, but that is interesting how the law works. I really have no clue how much damage was done, Jon called me freaking out on the phone because he had to deal with getting the car towed and his parents yelling at him. I understand that sucks and it's my fault, but for crying out loud I am the one that is going to have to pay for this and get penalties and my license revoked and all this shit. I feel like he is freaking out so excessively, yet very characteristically, but in reality he is inconvenienced out of a car for a month or so. I cannot be the burden of your emotions because holy shit I am dealing with my own really intense emotions from this accident and I also am freaking out about every aspect of my life to begin with. Writing this bit feels redundant because I already talked about this with Jessie but I guess it's better to be thorough when bloggin. But so yeah I have no idea how much damage was done, apparently the car is "75% ruined" and "totalled". Not sure what that means but the damage I saw on Jon's car was bent hood, leaking radiator which I presume means its cracked, broken left head light, front bumper damage, and I think the license plate was msising? The airbags went off too and I guess they burst out and ruin the leather when deployed? Stupid design in my opinion, there should be panels-- but whatever! More for me to spend money on fixing I guess ┐(´ー｀)┌ ワカラン
I don't know if Jon's insurance will cover any of the car's damage, and I'm not sure if my family's insurance plan covers me either. I really hope I dont have to pay for a whole new car because I feel like its ~20k (*hopefully less*) and I for sure can't pay that. I don't know if my family will help me out either. I could definitely guilt trip my dad into helping me pay I guess because I drove all break and they didn't say anything about being uninsured. They are selling the house in April so I guess they will have run into some money and I guess they are gonna sell the honda too. IDK I just need to see a psychiatrist first. To make the accident a positive thing I think it was a good push out of complacency.
My new years resolutions are to be motivated and to actually finish things. I am even writing lists now! Well, so far there has only been one list. Maybe I will progress into making a weekly schedule (*´Д｀)/
Jon just called me crying. fljbfdljf I feel like I have so much going on in my mind I can't even focus on thinking, no less writing, about anything. I am in complete autopilot, I don't feel like a human. I keep fantasizing about getting run over by a car.