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Alexander [userpic]

feeling crazy and real lazy kinda hazy life seems 2 want 2 taze me

January 9th, 2013 (04:27 am)

On monday I was driving home in Jon's car and I took a wrong turn and was going a weird way. I got to a stop light like a mile from my house right under the BQE near the bk docks and the light turned green. People started going and I started to accelerate and for some reason I looked down briefly, probably to change the song or cause I dropped something, and when I looked up I collided into the car in front of me that had stopped for no apparent reason. I'm sure of this because there was about a cars length in between me and him so it's definitely like he started and stopped and I chose the worst moment to look down. He was from NJ so I'm guessing it was his first time at that light I guess? To be honest it's all hazy because smashing into a car, albeit like 8-12 mph, with the air bags going off and smoke filling the whole car was really traumatic. My ears blew out and I was choking on smoke and had to get out of my car in the middle of an intersection that connected like 6 streets and was near a freeway entrance. Luckily I was able to drive to the side of the road but I had to wait an hour for the cops to show up and shitty enough my bf came 2 minutes after they did so I couldn't even pretend that he was the one driving. I didn't want to lie either so I told them that I collided into the dude in front of me which probably was put down as admitting guilt in the police report IDK how it all works for fucks sake. And the cherry on top is that I am apparently uninsured.... haha fuck me for real. I vaguely remember my mom telling me this and I feel like I might've even told Jon. Jessie told me she saw a people's court case where a lady was uninsured and driving her boyfriends car and totalled it, and he was responsible for all the costs at the end of the day because he knew that she was uninsured. I don't think I would ever be able to morally do that and plus I don't think Jon is dumb enough to fall victim to that scheme, but that is interesting how the law works. I really have no clue how much damage was done, Jon called me freaking out on the phone because he had to deal with getting the car towed and his parents yelling at him. I understand that sucks and it's my fault, but for crying out loud I am the one that is going to have to pay for this and get penalties and my license revoked and all this shit. I feel like he is freaking out so excessively, yet very characteristically, but in reality he is inconvenienced out of a car for a month or so. I cannot be the burden of your emotions because holy shit I am dealing with my own really intense emotions from this accident and I also am freaking out about every aspect of my life to begin with. Writing this bit feels redundant because I already talked about this with Jessie but I guess it's better to be thorough when bloggin. But so yeah I have no idea how much damage was done, apparently the car is "75% ruined" and "totalled". Not sure what that means but the damage I saw on Jon's car was bent hood, leaking radiator which I presume means its cracked, broken left head light, front bumper damage, and I think the license plate was msising? The airbags went off too and I guess they burst out and ruin the leather when deployed? Stupid design in my opinion, there should be panels-- but whatever! More for me to spend money on fixing I guess ┐(´ー`)┌ ワカラン
I don't know if Jon's insurance will cover any of the car's damage, and I'm not sure if my family's insurance plan covers me either. I really hope I dont have to pay for a whole new car because I feel like its ~20k (*hopefully less*) and I for sure can't pay that. I don't know if my family will help me out either. I could definitely guilt trip my dad into helping me pay I guess because I drove all break and they didn't say anything about being uninsured. They are selling the house in April so I guess they will have run into some money and I guess they are gonna sell the honda too. IDK I just need to see a psychiatrist first. To make the accident a positive thing I think it was a good push out of complacency.

My new years resolutions are to be motivated and to actually finish things. I am even writing lists now! Well, so far there has only been one list. Maybe I will progress into making a weekly schedule (*´Д`)/

Jon just called me crying. fljbfdljf I feel like I have so much going on in my mind I can't even focus on thinking, no less writing, about anything. I am in complete autopilot, I don't feel like a human. I keep fantasizing about getting run over by a car.

Alexander [userpic]

existential crisis

December 28th, 2012 (02:35 am)

feel like i am being swept in an infinite spiral.... i am a small white figure in a giant russian blue ocean with ochre skies... i dont even need a boat, just a dock post.. nothng hospitable... something with barnacles and splinters but still something to tether

but is tethering detrimental. is it avoiding the issue. do i need to learn how to swim

Alexander [userpic]

hark a fucking vagrant

August 29th, 2012 (03:36 pm)


no use in complaining i guess

Alexander [userpic]

tired, depressed, annoyed--- about to be drunk

August 26th, 2012 (10:23 pm)

had an awesome day at the beach! the fun i had swimming in the colossal and angry waves was the most i've had all summer. i am pooped from it but i wanna go out so push on i must... wow lol

got a text from my only lead on apartment that they filled the room with a "friend"...... WHY would you go through the trouble of posting the room on craigslist, having a bunch of people over to look at it, and then lead me on via text messages about the place saying i was the number one choice if you were just going to give it to a friend!? i am pretty annoyed because i am 5 1/2 days of my lease being over and i am getting soooo desperate. i have so much shit in this dumb fucking room im in now too. fuck fuck fuck fuck


Alexander [userpic]

i truly am a void

July 16th, 2012 (09:05 pm)

money is a little tight right now (even tho i keep spending money on dumb shit.....) but i have an awesome boyfriend that has made me feel better than any other person has before (and i feel like i've experienced a lot.... yolo???), but i have been having really dark feelings lately. nothing like self destructive, but i feel really reflective, introverted, and discontent. i had big changes last summer so maybe during the summer is when i get discontent and change things... IDK

i want to get a small notebook so i wont be too scared to draw in it. i think thats the problem with my current sketchbooks... all are huge and i get too intimidated do start anything

lol i am so anxious wtf why : (

Alexander [userpic]

how can i be peoples rock

July 12th, 2012 (01:55 pm)

if i cant even feel stable myself!!! i feel like i have a huge pile of thats my life tied together by yarn and i can barely keep my shit together and im trying to build a foundation but shit keeps raining down on me.

Alexander [userpic]

until i get a computer

July 2nd, 2012 (11:25 am)



Alexander [userpic]

(no subject)

June 16th, 2012 (01:51 am)

when i look in the mirror
i see nothing
i am dead
i am dead
i am dead

i can see how ppl get addicted to painkillers

saving up for a new laptop cause im a retard.... but if i didnt break my laptop i probably wouldnt have the initiative to save up for a new one and they just came out with new ones so it isn't awful timing. working working how can i make that money?

saw two documentaries about prostitution. one was about girls working the street in harlem. was really surprised to see really attractive girls working, but i guess meth/crack will make any1 go crazy. idk why ppl do bath salts... so dumb. but n e ways these girls owned that they were hoes and i gained respect for them THEN i watched this god awful retarded documentary that tried to put 12-19 yr old gay prostitutes of prague in a sympathetic light and it really pisses me off that these guys (all very attractive) are trying to victimize themselves when they CHOSE to prostitute/do porn both of which they are making really good money in and they r getting hella free shit for doing the job they chose. wtf and it reminded me of sam and all the other gay guys i know in nyc that have sugar daddies and are so secretive about it and i really hate those type of relationships. i can enjoy chivalry from a boyfriend but i think a relationship driven by materialistic gain is soooo stupid. anyone dumb enough to live an otherwise unhappy and unfulfilling life just so they can have more "things" should be euthanized, and these disgusting men that are superficial enough to pay for a relationship really do not deserve that money.

ok im too tired to finish this rant

Alexander [userpic]

why am i so unmotivated

May 24th, 2012 (01:41 am)

i feel like a nothing

Alexander [userpic]

(no subject)

May 7th, 2012 (11:57 am)

love no one
trust no one
be no one

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